Ms. Sadface

Wow, people! Thanks for all the lovely posts about my marriage dilemma. I have such a lovely man. I am kind of superstitious about bragging about him, but we are very happy. I just wish I could get to that happy, swishy romantic place instead of looking at marriage like jumping into a pit of alligators. He doesn't care if we marry now or if we marry later. He loves me. He's relaxed.

I didn't send the scathing letter to my father. I tabled it for a few days, and then wrote a slightly less scathing, but still pretty damned scathing one, and sent that. My family depresses me greatly. It kind of hurts me to hurt him, even if he is such a jerk a lot of the time. What good does it do to tell a crotchety old man that he is crotchety? Is he going to suddenly see the light and become good and kind? No. I should just try to think about it less.

Boso has closed the shop because of the severity of his brother's illness, and now I have nothing to do but stew. Its not good. I'm trying to think of what would make me happy and snap me out of it. I tried sex, eating junk food, taking walks outside in the rain, and I still feel sad. I have never felt so sad about someone's passing before. I have to go down to the shop to put a sign on the door that says,"Closed due to family crisis." I have been dragging my feet about it all day. I'm thinking about making a care package for Nephew. What do fourteen year old boys like? Blunts and Grand Theft Auto?

Maybe I'll get myself a blunt and some Grand Theft Auto.

Word.

Prayer Request

Please pray with me for Boso's brother. Boso has closed the shop to be by his bedside. His brother is not expected to make it through the weekend. A father of six, he has so much to do still on earth.

Marriage Is For Suckas

I went to go see my parents in NY for the weekend. It was extremely creepy there. My mother had gone out of her way to cook special foods and have the house all tidy, and that was so sweet, but my father and my mother don't exactly SPEAK to eachother any more. Its not like they have had a fight. It's like, that's how they ARE. They don't stay in the same room long enough to talk to one another, and if they are forced to communicate, it is really, reaaaaaaaaally strained. It gave me an ulcer being there and watching their strange relationship play out. I shouldn't criticize, but I don't have to participate. My dad shouted at the girls for no good reason. I left early.

I feel bad about it, because my mother had gone to so much trouble. I am a bad daughter, and I am wracked with guilt. I should not pass judgements. I am struggling so much with my own internal dilemma about getting remarried, and then to have a close-up view of my parents mindgames was overwhelming.


B. is such a good man. His family is good. No one ever was evil to one another in his family. For me, this is hard to even believe, because all my family is comprised of is backbiting, alcoholism and criticism. I mean, we'd be nothing without it. I wrote my dad a really mean email today, but I put it in my "drafts" file to think on a few days before I decide whether or not to send it. Sigh.
I just hear about so many people who are unhappy in their relationships. I am happy as things are, and I'm thinking today that maybe I'll just keep things as they are and enjoy life without a ring on my finger. That is not a criticism of B. in any manner, I just don't know what's good about being married right now. So many people focus on a wedding, but don't think about a marriage. A wedding is one day. A marriage is supposed to be forever. I kind of think my first marriage was forever, because I still have to contend with my ex, for better or worse.

But on the other hand, I think about my parents and my sister, and I think, "Why should their BAD marriage destroy my happiness? Maybe I can be very happily married, regardless of how miserable they have been. " But what a gamble to take, right? Even if B. is a saint, I know I am hopelessly flawed and difficult to live with. If we have problems, they usually are caused by me, truth be told.

My hometown is beautiful this time of year, tulips blooming everywhere, and trees explode in green every spot they can. I got to visit with my old friend, Pablo, and to ride on my dad's Harley. Everything is becoming nicer and trendier downtown. The girls and I walked in the trendy little boutique district, dotted with cobblestoned streets and three story brownstones, each painted more brightly than the last. We walked into a flowershop just to smell the flowers, and the rockabilly girl there asked us if we liked the arrangement she was working on over the sound of her loud rock music.

"Too natural?"she asked.
"Well, I love natural, so I might be the wrong one to ask."
"Hmm.." She rearranged one stalk and then another. "The guy said do what I want..."
"I would definitely be delighted if someone gave that to me,"I said.
"Well, that makes me feel much better!"

I remembered what I missed about my home. People talking to one another! They just don't do that around here. It was raining, and as we walked between the raindrops, a pretty, young black lady loudly exclaimed,"Damn!"

She noticed me looking to see what she was talking about, and she laughed and said,"It's COLD! I was expecting it to be much warmer than this!"

"I know!" We both laughed before she skipped away.

I really miss that kind of friendliness, but I'm glad that I know where I can go to find it.

Since I've been home, I've been working on creating a myspace page for my tattoo business. I've been vehemently anti-myspace, but Boso tells me he gets all kinds of business that way, so I've got to try. My parents really were leaning on my hard for choosing this profession this weekend. I guess I am a little down about it all.

Tomorrow's another day.

Real Beauty

Wow. Dove, the soap company, has a new campaign called "Real Beauty". These short films brought tears to my eyes. Check them out, and share them with the women and girls you know.

http://dove.msn.com/#/features/videos/default.aspx[cp-documentid=7049579]/

Another Day Another Dollar

Damn. My stimulus check is going to be three hundred dollars less than I expected. My ex is court ordered to pay or go to jail on May 22nd, but then that takes a week to get to me through the infinite power of the state of pennsylvania, so we'll see. Counting on child support does yield mixed results. Time to tighten the belt! And hussle those secret shopping gigs. I have one today at BJ's Wholesale Club. Fun. Fun. I will wear my trenchcoat and my dark glasses to look especially "secret". I signed up with an additional company today, to add a little muscle to my hussle.

Yesterday morning I was in a super-bad mood, worrying about the future. I'm concerned about the first few months of tattooing. Will I be good enough? Will I be able to make ends meet while I am working on building up a loyal clientele? This summer I am going to spend as much time as possible in the shop, and I will be drawing until my fingers bleed. I sent out a drawing to Amylia (her link is on the sidebar, and she is awesome!) that I really enjoyed drawing. She should be receiving it today! I hope that she likes it!!!!

Yesterday was my first day back in the shop, and the new piercing apprentice was there! Hooray! I know him from the old shop, he is an old friend of Boso's, and WOW! G!A!Y! with extra GAY! Whooo! Totally cool. I adore him, and he brings lots of positive energy to the shop. Boso brought him a tiny plastic penis from Sweden. The other sorta-apprentice girl was getting inked yesterday. She got a huge Anubis on her arm, kind of like this-

That's the Egyptian god of embalming, with a dog's head. You've seen him before. She was nervous because he freehanded the design on her arm, so she had no idea how it would look. The piece turned out looking FANTASTIC, and now all of her other tattoos look jailhouse style in comparison. We ate jamaican patties, and I worked on some shading, dimension, and perspective exercises. Good times. I'm still nervous, though.

N.'s spring concert was yesterday, and N. gave a speech to open up the whole show! She wore a white cotton dress with pink flowers on it. Her curly, golden hair was parted on the side and held back with a pink barrette. She could not have been more collected. She waited for the crowd to settle, and when the principal gave the go ahead, she gave her memorized speech clearly and calmly without the slightest hesitation. The theme of the speech was "It's A Wonderful World" and all of the students had to write an essay,"The world is wonderful because...". Only a few were selected to share their essays at the concert, and N. was one of only TWO second graders. I know! I was so proud! Then the kids sang the song,"I see trees of green, red roses too....etc, etc.....what a wonderful world."

The gym in NnP's school is made from the same exact blueprint as the gym in my elementary school in new york. The cafeteria is on one side, with tables that collapse into the walls, and then there is a folding wall that separates the cafeteria from the gym. When the wall is folded, the whole thing becomes an auditorium. They even have the same ugly green tile and red doors. Maybe it came in some sort of "build a school" kit in the 1930s. The place was standing room only last night. B. and I were pressed up against a side wall, with the sweat pouring off of us, but it didn't matter! I was so proud, and my day was greatly improved.

Wednesday night is grownup night in our house, and B's best friend, Silent Bob comes over to hang. Here's Silent Bob with the ducks.

Duckies go back to the farm tomorrow. Sigh.

Picture Pages!

Those Wacky Ducks

Greetings from your neighborhood Soccer Mom Anarchist! I just got back from kindergarten. Today was a special day where the parents were invited to take part, and, lucky me, it was ART DAY! Whoot! I have a crush on the art teacher. She is too cool with her rainbow colored highlights. We learned about self portraits, and that your eye is not a circle; it is a football. Word.

I also drank chocolate milk from a little carton. I haven't done that in twenty years. All of the other parents are too cool for chocolate milk, but me, I like to get the full kindergarten experience. Little chair, paper necklace, chocolate milk EMERSION!

The ducks are good, thanks for asking. We didn't kill any of them yesterday. They like to listen to the radio. They are listening to Black Sabbath right now. Those wacky ducks. Seriously, they peep-peep-peep until the radio goes on, then they settle down and go to sleep. Yesterday the exterminator came to Boso's house, so he and Nanna had to stay out of the house for twelve hours. This is a challenge because Nanna doesn't really travel. Boso, Nanna, and their two dogs were all in the (closed) tattoo shop hanging out, and I brought the girls and the ducklings over for a visit. Imagine the mayhem! Ducks! Dogs! Old lady! Children! And Boso and me yelling at them all to just stop moving and be quiet for one god damned second! Good times. Boso got a picture of the ducks in the tattoo chair. When I get it, I'll post it.

Haven't seen much of B. lately. He started delivering papers at night, since he is up anyway. I really miss sleeping next to him. He is working on creating packets to mail out to comicbook people. He has an eye on drawing GI JOE. I don't know anything about how this all works and what his chances are, but I am hoping for the best. He is definitely very talented, and suffering from an identity crisis from the closing of the wrestling shop, and his grandfather's sickness. He sort of seems like he is on a distant planet, even when he is right next to me. This to will pass, I know.

I had a huge blow up with my mom about my sister's situation. She is just so firmly settled into her denial. I always feel guilty when I yell at my mom. My mom is an excellent mom, and she loves us all and forgives our flaws. Especially my sisters, but I guess mine, too. We talked it out in the end, and I am bringing the girls up to New York this weekend. I talked to my mom about Boso's nephew's situation, and she gave me some good info about programs to help the family. That really made me feel better. Maybe it will help.

Ok. Thanks for listening. xoxo, hil